“Parlez-vous anglais?” “No, I speak que dalle(*)!

(*) que dalle: Zilch! Nada!

Louis de Funès (Le Gendarme à New York) La leçon d’anglais (the English lesson)

Last week, I instructed my France travel workshops in the Seattle area. During the (sold out) morning class, “Survival French for the Traveler,” thirty brave souls stayed with me for three hours and alternately laughed, frowned, cried, as they struggled with the basics of la langue de Molière (French.) Even though I taught participants many simple words and expressions that would enable them to ask and answer basic questions in French, we all knew the following would come in handy at some point:
– Parlez-vous anglais? (Do you speak English?)

So do they? Do the French speak English? You would think so, but If you ask, you are likely to elicit any of the following reactions:

– “Pfffff… [insert infamous French shrug.]

– “I speak que dalle!” (see above)

– “I speak English comme une vache espagnole! [like a Spanish cow]” (Don’t ask!)

… Or even a straightforward, adamant, “Non!”

What seems to be the problem? The problem is that the French have convinced themselves they are not good at foreign languages. When your teachers (and your parents) spend years drilling into your head the necessity to speak the French language just so; when you spend countless hours learning complicated grammar and spelling rules; when your biggest fear is to make a mistake; you simply can’t take the risk to do this all over again in a foreign language. Oublie. Fuggedaboutit. What adult wants to look like a perfect idiot, an incompetent fool, even if stranded American tourists need his help? And don’t even think about waving a picture of that guy in their face! Who does he think he is? Their old French teacher (minus the sense of style?!)


It’s not the Frenchmen’s fault, really. Teaching methods in France’s English classrooms have often been described as antiquated. Part of the problem was that unfortunate students had to learn by heart perfectly useless expressions. The most famous one: “My tailor is rich.” Let it sink in. My tailor is rich. Have you ever tried using this casually in an informal conversation?

–  A Seattle local, to French Girl in Seattle, circa 1996: “You know, French Girl, here in Seattle, we wear fleece year round; none of those chi-chi fabrics you brought with you from Paris.”  
 
– French Girl: “Thank you for letting me know. I will remember to adjust my expectations – and my wardrobe – to my new life. It is a really good thing my tailor is rich. Or he will be, when he is done lining up all my clothes with fleece…” 
 
How creative.